“You know, some of the reason why we marry the wrong people is that we don’t really understand ourselves. I mean, sometimes I say to people, ‘Do you think you’re easy to live with?’ People who are single. And the ones who say, ‘Yeah, yeah, I’m pretty easy to live with, it’s just a question of finding the right person.’–massive alarm bell rings in my mind. …And so we go into marriage unable to convey that knowledge to a partner. We don’t understand them. They don’t understand us. We don’t understand what marriage is. Let’s stress that. …Be incredibly forgiving for the weird behavior that’s going to start coming out. You will be very unhappy in lots of ways. Your partner will fail to understand you. If you’re understood in maybe, I don’t know, 60% of your soul by your partner, that’s fantastic. Don’t expect that it’s going to be 100%. Of course you will be lonely. You will often be in despair. You will sometimes think it’s the worst decision in your life. That’s fine. That’s not a sign your marriage has gone wrong. It’s a sign that it’s normal, it’s on track. And many of the hopes that took you into the marriage will have to die in order for the marriage to continue. That some of the headiness and expectations will have to die. …It’s very dark. But in love, darkness is a real friend of relationships. Because so many of the problems of love come from unwarranted optimism. And so we need to be dark about so many things. …I think that there are aspects of a good marriage that should encompass a kind of melancholy, as we realize that we’re trying to do such a complex thing with someone. We are trying to find our best friend, our ideal sexual partner, our co-household manager, perhaps our co-parent. And we’re expecting that all this will miraculously go well together. Of course it can’t. We’re not going to be able to get it all right. There will be many areas of misunderstanding and failure. And a certain amount of sober melancholy is a real asset when heading forth into the land of love.” Alain de Botton
“Most important of all,
continue to show deep love for each other,
for love covers a multitude of sins.”
1 Peter 4:8
Moving From the Head to the Heart
- What is your response to this very dark portrayal of married life?
- Did you enter marriage with “unwarranted optimism?” If so, how exactly?
- Can you accept that darkness, melancholy and despair might be part of your married experience? …a valuable part?
Abba, in the darkness may I find your light.
For More: Essays in Love by Alain de Botton
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Richer By Far 
I feel that God can usher in the light of all our relationships.That without us asking,it all seems overwhelming bleak
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It is shocking how different marriage is to what I thought it would be. I think we often expect that our partner can somehow miraculously fix life for us, so we don’t have to grapple with its many conundrums and difficulties. It has been my experience that my darkest hours and most intense spiritual battles have been instigated by my marriage, because my love for my other half made me stick with it, and live through it, rather than bail. So, in consequence, I have grown more as a person through this process than I think I would have otherwise. I’ve come to see that God uses love to teach us in ways I could not have imagined previously. It hurts terribly sometimes, but I find that the gifts of faith and the continuing opening up of my soul that result from battling in the darkness are worth it in every way.
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Thanks for sharing so honestly Christine. The greatness of the stuff I find to share and the help that some people find in it is what motivates me to do this – and the help it is to me. Thanks again.
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